When someone keeps crossing your boundaries, do they do it on purpose? Or do they perhaps not know exactly where your limits are?

I come across this topic again and again in seminars and coaching sessions. One person does something and disturbs another person … and doesn’t even notice. But shouldn’t it be a matter of decency…? You get the point, don’t you?

For example, recently in coaching there was the topic of a client, that does a lot for the family. She would like to have an hour for herself in which she just sits in front of the TV.* But that’s exactly when someone keeps coming and wanting something from her. Usually she lets herself be interrupted and does what she is asked. Secretly she would like the family to respect her time-out. But she never communicated this clearly.

What would happen if she simply said, “Not now. Come back in an hour.”? Her fantasy is that the others will become angry or consider her selfish. And I’m not saying that that can’t happen. I’m pretty sure the teenagers who are used to her jumping on acclamation would get angry for a start.

Now there are several possibilities:

1. She can realize that someone is dissatisfied anyway. At the moment it’s herself. How about someone else for a change? That goes by and the family will get used to the new rules.
2. She can just try out what’s really happening instead of letting herself be guided by a fantasy. I’m sure that not all family members will react the same way. Experience has shown that there are always people who are happy to be told when they interfere and when they do not.
3. She can discuss the subject with the family. In this way she clarifies why this time is so important to her. In the future it will be easier for her to protect herself if somebody bursts in.
4. Of course, she can also decide that it is what she wants, to be there for the family at all times. But this should be a conscious decision. If she chooses to do so, she will no longer be annoyed by the disturbances.
5. However, she can also work in coaching on what is really behind it. In most cases such patterns are very old. Adaptive behaviour is a well-trained solution strategy that was very important at some point in life. With Logosynthesis, my preferred coaching method, we can solve this. In her case this is what we did.

Of course, there are very similar situations at work. Here, too, communication often fails. There are also old patterns and beliefs behind it, if this feedback is not given. In order to avoid falling into the same pitfalls again and again, it is worth working on it.

How is it with you? Are you good at setting boundaries? Possibly sometimes even too good, so you build up barriers? Or do you tend to allow too much? You can see from the example above, that there are many possible solutions. It is definitely worth exploring them.

*Of course this is just an example. The behaviour pattern also shows in many other situations.