Once people have formed an opinion, they usually stick to it. If that is true, do you ever have a chance to convince someone of any other opinion? Well, it still works, if you know how. Here are three tips for gentle contradiction. 

Robert B. Cialdini has written one of the best textbooks I know: “The Psychology of Persuasion”. In it he explains, among other things, that people do not change their minds once they have grasped it. He calls this “commitment and consistency”. I am sure you have experienced this effect before. Someone says “A” and you want to convince them otherwise. But the more good points you make, the more the other person defends “A”. This is exactly what Cialdini means. 

Tip 1: Questions

One problem with persuasion is that we often do it without knowing enough about the other person’s point of view. Or at least the other person has this impression. Today I just went through it with a sales team. The customer says: “It will be a problem to implement your solution because we need IT to do it and that is always difficult”. The answer comes immediately: “I can understand that. But don’t worry. We’ll talk to them and then it will work out.” Even if the customer does not openly contradict now, there is probably still the thought: “They don’t know our IT department. It won’t work out anyway. 

Instead, it would be smarter to first hear the customer. Ask for example: “What experience have you had with them?” or “What are you concerned about? Questions give the customer the feeling that you take their objection seriously. He will then listen to the answer much more willingly. The solution can now be discussed from the customer’s perspective. Or you can use…

Tip 2: … ” Assumed” or ” Apart from”

Now that you have a better understanding of what the customer is up to, you can gently ask him: “Assuming we could convince your IT colleagues together, would the solution be an option for you?” Now you have asked whether your interlocutor is willing to change their mind. You also find out whether there are any other obstacles. 

Because the wording is so gentle, the other person is usually able to open up. If you don’t have a solution in mind, instead of ” Assuming” you can use “Apart from”: “Are there other things apart from IT that stand in the way of implementation?” If the answer is “No”, you now only have to solve the remaining issue. If you can’ t do that, find out how important it is. If it’s not a knockout criterion, you still have a chance. 

Tip 3: Anti-yes-but technique

My absolute favorite is the anti-yes-but technique. It prevents you from simply contradicting (“Yes, but…” in most cases) and thus building up resistance. In a nutshell: 

First take the perspective of the other person and stay on this side until the other person agrees. “I can understand that you are worried. If your IT is as overwhelmed as you say, they are of course not happy about an additional project. It’ s like this in many companies. And your colleagues in IT department will certainly protect themselves as best they can”. At this point at the latest, the interviewer will nod or verbally agree and that is your signal to object. Avoid the “but” and say “on the other hand” instead: “On the other hand, we have made the experience that our own IT experts can provide good support in this respect. And it is a rather small project for IT anyway. Therefore I suggest a conversation from expert to expert. This will certainly resolve your concerns quickly and you won’t have to get involved.

As you notice, at the end there is a suggestion. If you’ve done a good job at the beginning and your objection is well-founded, you’ll usually get a “Yes”. The most important thing is that you take the other person’s perspective until you get confirmation. This is unfamiliar and not easy. But it works and very often gently and convincingly overcomes the principle of “commitment and consistency”. 

Of course, the tips work just as well in private situations. If my husband knew that ;-).