Standing up for yourself, being taken seriously and not getting fooled is not primarily about communication. Inner clarity is much more important if you want to realise your ideas. 

I recently had a price negotiation seminar for the first time in a long time. I always enjoy this topic a lot. And it is interesting to see how the topic has changed for me over the decades. Whereas it used to be more about wording, managing conversations and tricks, today I talk a lot more about decisions and inner clarity and about taking time. 

The inner attitude in decision-making situations and discussions has become more and more important to me over the years. And the topic emerges everywhere. Last week it was price negotiations with customers, today a coaching session was about dealing with demanding family members. The topic is the same: Take your time to think, make a decision and then go through with it. 

Maybe you find the comparison a bit weird, but with animals you can clearly see that: Dogs or horses, for example, react more to inner clarity than to words. I experienced this many years ago at a workshop with horses: As long as I was convinced that the horse would do what I wanted, it worked. When I had doubts the horse just stopped and looked at me helplessly. And I have experienced similar things with dogs.Over time I came to realise more and more that people have comparable “channels” for this inner clarity.

Imagine, you have to tell a co-worker that he or she has behaved inappropriately. If you are either not convinced of this yourself or expect the employee to argue, it will surely go wrong. If, on the other hand, you are very clear inside, you have a good chance that your feedback will be accepted and that the following discussion will quickly lead to a result. 

A coaching client, Claudia, has just experienced this with her adult stepdaughter. She still lives in the same household, but does not participate as she should and as her siblings do. So far, Claudia repeatedly failed with her attempts to change this. Regularly there were arguments and the tasks were still not completed. 

In one session we worked intensively on her clarity and removed the inner blockades that stood in her way. Since then, Claudia’s communication has automatically changed, although we have never explicitly discussed the topic of conversation. The result: the stepdaughter suddenly joins in and leaves out the tiresome discussions.Before, Claudia was often insecure inside and this was evident.  Now, in a very subtle way, words, voice and non-verbal signals indicate that it is better for the daughter to play along. 

In the price negotiation seminar the same thing happens, for example, with negotiation limits. My tip: Take your time, think about how far you are willing to go and say “No” at that point. Not so easy, my participants found out. Especially because they had always reacted much too quickly and had not yet adjusted to it internally. But with a little practice and encouragement, it always works better. The effect: clients soon notice whether it is still worth negotiating further or if they have reached the limit. It is often even a relief for the buyer to know: “I don’t have to continue trying”.

Decisions and the clarity that comes with them have something incredibly disarming about them. Once a decision has been made, there is nothing you can or must do to change it. They are ready to go their own way and bear the consequences. And that is it!